Last week, we posted a special Halloween extravaganza: The 10 Most Terrifying Jobs in the World.
What we uncovered was pretty disturbing… Yes, some people actually choose to work with blood, guts and flesh-eating bugs, ghouls, goblins and bombs.
One of the weirdest jobs we came across was Jim Harrison’s special role: The Snake Milker.
Think that’s weird? You ain’t seen nothing yet!
Below, I’ve compiled a list of the 100 oddest job titles, that have genuinely been found on CVs…
The 100 Weirdest Job Titles We’ve Seen…
1. Talent Delivery Specialist – Recruitment Consultant.
2. Snake Milker – Someone who milks snakes of their venom.
3. Chick Sexer – Someone who determines the sex of chickens.
4. Lab Rat – I would guess this means clinical trial volunteer…
5. Media Distribution Officer – Anyone with a paper round.
6. Animal Colourist – Someone who dyes animals for movies and marketing campaigns.
7. Hair Boiler – Someone who boils animal hair until it curls (for use in a variety of products).
8. Digital Overlord – A Website Manager.
9. Reindeer Walker – Click here to discover more, fantastically odd Christmas jobs!
10. Retail Jedi – A Shop Assistant.
11. Slaughterer – Someone who slaughters the meat that you eat.
12. Wizard of Light Bulb Moments – A Marketing Director.
13. Direct Mail Demi-God – A Direct Mail Manager.
14. Wet Leisure Attendant – A Lifeguard.
15. Grand Master of Underlings – A Deputy Manager.
16. Twisted Brother – A Balloon Artist.
17. Under Secretary to the Sub-Committee – Who knows?
18. Ghost Hunter – Click here to find out more… if you dare.
19.Master Handshaker – Who knows?
20. Great Service Agent – A Hotel Receptionist.
21.Education Centre Nourishment Consultants– ADinner Lady.
22. Chief Everything Officer – They do everything… obviously.
23. Communications Ambassador – Who knows?
24. Colour Distribution Technician– APainter and Decorator.
25. Zombie – Working as a zombie at the London Dungeons will bring in a substantial salary (£30,000)!
26. Happiness Advocate – Who knows?
27. Bride Kidnapping Expert – Who knows (actually, I’m not sure I want to know).
28. Legal Bank Robber – Someone who tests how easy it is to penetrate bank security!
29. Second Tier Totalist – Who knows?
30. Teddy Bear Surgeon – Someone who’ll stitch Snuggles up for you.
31. Creator of Happiness – Who knows?
32. Change Magician – Who knows?
33. Champagne Tester – Sign me up – right now!
34. Water Slide Tester – Amazing.
35. Rollercoaster Tester – Dream job for the adrenaline junkie!
36. Digital Dynamo – Digital Marketing Executive.
37. Dream Alchemist – Head of Marketing.
38. Scrum Master–Who knows?
39. Paradise Island Caretaker – Ben Southall is a lucky, lucky man.
40. Ice Rink Hand-Holder – I love this idea – I could certainly do with a helping hand.
41. Professional Sleeper – Sound like your cup of tea? For more details, click here!
42. Marketing Rock Star– A Marketing Executive
43. Head of Potatoes – Who knows?
44. Senior Kindle Evangelist – In charge of all things ‘Kindle’ for Amazon.
45. Brand Evangelist – A Marketing Brand Manager.
46. Tree Decorator – Someone’s got to tart up those trees and it ain’t gonna be the elves. They’re too busy.
47. Warden of the Swans–To find out exactly what Christopher Perrins does, read this Guardian article.
48. Marker of the Swans – Someone who, quite literally, marks all of the swans.
49. Chief Inspiration Officer – To encourage ‘belief in the company’ and ‘internal evangelism of its values.’
50. Chocolate Taster – The best job in the world.
51. Associate to the Exec Manager of Marketeering & Conservation Efforts – A Marketing Assistant.
52. Pneumatic Device and Machine Optimizer – A Factory Worker.
53. International & World-Wide Optical & Vision-Focused Tenured Professorship – Who knows?
54. Beverage Dissemination Officer – A Bartender.
55. Hyphenated-Specialist – Who knows?
56. Digital Prophet – Something to do with predicting the future, I’d guess.
57. Director of Making People Happy and Content – An HR Manager.
58. Actions and Repercussions Adviser – Who knows?
59. Galactic Viceroy of Research Excellence–Who knows?
60. Space Travel Agent – Held by Craig Curran of Virgin Galactic, the world’s first space tourism business.
61. Patron Saint of Academic Studying – Hmm… There’s something suspicious about this CV.
62. Cheese Sprayer – Someone who sprays cheese or butter by hand on popcorn.
63. Chief Biscuit Dunker – Who knows?
64. Teen Exorcist – Creepy…
65. The Finish Line – Who knows?
66. Chief Troublemaker – Who knows?
67. Chief Chatter – A Call Centre Manager.
68. Bear Biologist and Paper Folder – Who knows?
69. Problem Wrangler – A Counsellor.
70. Pornography Historian– Ye – sure you are…
71. Creativity Analyst – An Assistant Marketing Manager.
72. In-house Philosopher– Who knows?
73. Crayon Evangelist –AGraphic Designer.
74. Genius – A Sales Assistants at Apple.
75. Hacker – Not sure that’s something you should boast about on your CV…
76. Fake mourner – Someone who cries for you at a funeral.
77. Waking Night Support Worker – A support worker who does the night shift.
78. Accounting Ninja – A Financial Manager (Trying to make numbers sound sexier than they are).
79. Sales Ninja – A Sales Executive.
80. Sales Superhero – A Sales Assistant.
81. Catalyst – AnOffice Manager.
82. Conversation Architect – A Digital Marketing Manager.
83. Director of Fun – A Director of Marketing.
84. Cat Behaviour Consultant – Who knows?
85. Pet Food Taster – YUM. What a life.
86. New Media Guru – A Digital Marketing Manager.
87. Initiative Officer– A Planner.
88. Social Media Trailblazer – A Digital Marketing Executive.
89. Corporate Magician – A Trade Show Magician.
90. Conversation Architect – Digital Marketing Manager.
91. Oyster Floater – Someone who floats oysters in water until they are free of impurities.
92. Toilet Sniffer –I would guess this is something to do with making sure toilets don’t smell?
93. Night Stalker – I’m assuming they meant night stacker, as in shelf stacker.
94. Dog W@nk#r – Yet another example of why you should ALWAYS proofread your CV.
95. Hairapist – Cari, I’ve had a fab idea, why don’t you mingle the words Hair and Therapist!
96. Professional Snuggler – Would you want to snuggle this guy..?
97. Professional Liar – Good job we know how to lie detect then…
98. Face Feeler – Who knows?
99. Bike Fishermen – People who fish bicycles out of canals.
100. Airport Scarecrow – Who knows?
Fancy a change of scenery?
How do these job titles actually make you feel?
As far as I’m concerned, they fall into two categories – absolutely bonkers jobs that simply shouldn’t exist OR silly attempts to jazz up job titles so that they sound more impressive.
Recruiter Pro Tip (For Hiring Managers)
On a serious note… You may have heard the good old myth that, by being creative with your job vacancy, you’re guaranteed to attract more, great staff members.
This is just not the case. If anything, you’re sabotaging your own recruitment process, because NO ONE will be typing ‘marketing genius,’ ‘inspiration officer’ or ‘dynamic dynamo’ jobs into Google, Indeed or any of the other job boards, for that matter.
To find out more, click here.
Stop trying to be overly creative; you should be proud of what you actually do.
If you’d like to read more hilarious stories like this, then click here to subscribe to our newsletter. We’ll simply send over a short weekly email to brighten up your Friday!
More Funny Stories?
If you’d like to read more weird and wonderful job titles, check out these hilarious articles…
Happy Friday!- Charles Trivett
The 10 Most Terrifying Jobs in the World – A Halloween Spooktacular!read more >
Can you imagine a world where everything was named as blandly as possible?
“Come here, Pet.”
“Hey, Maternal Grandmother, could I get your recipe for Casserole?”
“Book about a Long Journey is pretty much the best thing I’ve ever read.”
“I love shopping at Clothing Store at Mall—its Regular Jeans are to die for.”
Meh. Yawn. Zzzzzz.
Now you understand the crushing ennui your teacher feels flipping through a stack of essays entitled “Narrative Essay” or “Essay 4,” “Analysis of Emily Dickinson’s Poetry,” or worst of all, the dreaded “Untitled.”
Boring, right? No wonder it takes three weeks to get them graded and handed back!
So how do you make your essay the shining gem in the rough, the beacon that keeps your teacher from falling asleep in yet another puddle of coffee and tears during hours-long grading marathons?
We’ll get there. First, let’s discuss why essay titles matter in the first place.
Why Are Essay Titles Important?
The title of an essay occupies a pretty sweet spot: front and center, first page. This is a position of prestige and privilege. It just begs to be read.
Old-timey cover page optional.
Don’t waste this opportunity to make a good first impression!
Much like a hook sentence, a title should snag the attention of your readers and make them want to read more.
Most importantly, the title—even a short one—can give readers a lot of context about an essay. Good essay titles not only identify the essay’s subject, but they can also give readers clues about important elements of the essay:
- tone (Is it serious or irreverent?)
- structure (Is it argumentative? Are you comparing and contrasting?)
- angle/stance (Are you in favor of something or against it?)
So what goes into a mind-blowingly good essay title? Keep reading to find out!
What Are the Essential Elements of Good Essay Titles?
Unfortunately, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to titling essays. While a one-word title might work for some essays, others practically beg for long, descriptive ones.
That said, there are a few qualities that most good essay titles share:.
1. A good essay title identifies the subject.
It probably seems obvious that a title should give the reader at least a hint about the essay’s subject, but you’d be surprised how often it doesn’t! I’ve edited plenty of essays with titles like “Analysis Essay,” “History,” or “Assignment 5.”
Not only are these boring, but they’re completely vague and nonspecific.
2. A great title establishes the tone of the essay.
In addition to telling readers what an essay is about, really great titles also help to set the tone or mood of the essay. A forceful, direct title is perfect for an angry rant or a somber piece of persuasion.
Titles with puns or other fun wordplay, on the other hand, suggest that the reader can take the piece a little less seriously.
3. Good essay titles are specific.
It’s possible for a title to establish both the tone and subject … but in a vague way. For instance, “A Scholarly Examination of Chinese Art” identifies a subject and a tone, but if the essay actually focuses on fifteenth-century Chinese pottery, specificity is lacking.
A more specific essay title would be “A Scholarly Examination of Fifteenth-Century Chinese Pottery.”
4. A great essay title is attractive to the intended audience.
Last but not least, a title should be attractive and interesting—but most importantly, it should be attractive and interesting to the audience for whom it was written.
For example, a playful and punny title might fall flat for a stodgy, humorless professor—you know the type.
In this case, it’s better to be straightforward and descriptive—but that doesn’t have to mean boring.
On the other hand, your creative writing instructor would probably appreciate a bit of clever wordplay.
This aspect of title-writing requires you to know your audience and make a judgment call regarding the type of title your readers will find engaging. But it’s totally worth it when you snag a big, fat ‘A,’ right?
Now that you know what goes into a good title, let’s look at some strategies for writing titles that meet these criteria.
Tips and Tricks for Writing Good Essay Titles
Now that you know the different components of a solid title, how do you actually write one?
Here are a few tips and tricks to help. For each of the following tips, I’ve also shared one or more relevant examples from the Kibin essay database.
Use subtitles to your advantage
Many essay titles have both a main title as well as a secondary title that elaborates a bit on the first part.
Consider the late David Foster Wallace’s essay Shipping Out: On the (nearly lethal) comforts of a luxury cruise. Alone, neither part of that title would meet all the criteria I listed earlier. Yet together, they create a title that’s almost irresistible. (What was “nearly lethal”? I have to know!)
Essay database example: Wrap It Up: An Ode to the Burrito
Sum it up
Another strategy for writing good essay titles is to choose two or three words that sum up the main ideas of the essay—bonus points if these words seem oddly juxtaposed as this creates interest and attraction. Just be sure that they’re relevant.
While they aren’t essays, Jared Diamond’s book Guns, Germs, and Steel and Chuck Klosterman’s essay collection Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs are both fantastic examples of this titling strategy in action. How could you pass those up?
Essay database example: Scalpel, Forceps, Empathy: How My College Experiences Are Preparing Me to Become a Competent Doctor
Take a page (well, a phrase) from someone else’s book
Sometimes, great titles are right under your nose—maybe even in the text you’re analyzing. An especially provocative or descriptive line can really set the tone for your essay and save you a bit of brainstorming.
And sometimes, you may find inspiration from a piece of writing that you aren’t writing about. Consider Joan Didion’s famous essay collection and the essay of the same name, Slouching Towards Bethlehem. The title of this work was inspired by the last line of William Butler Yeats’ poem The Second Coming.
One thing to remember, though: if your snippet is a direct quotation, be sure to place it in quotation marks, as in the example below.
Essay database example: “Dark of the Invisible Moon”: Imagery in Cormac McCarthy’s The Road
Get punny (if appropriate)
Clever wordplay has its place, including in essay titles. That said, there’s a fine line between funny and corny. Not all topics or essays are suited for a funny title. Use your best judgment, and keep your audience in mind.
Consider Donovan Hohn’s Moby-Duck: The True Story of 28,800 Bath Toys Lost at Sea & of the Beachcombers, Oceanographers, Environmentalists & Fools, Including the Author, Who Went in Search of Them. The title is cheeky yet descriptive and suits the subject well.
You can also balance your wit with a more buttoned-up subtitle to ensure that your work is still taken seriously. For instance, consider David Walter Toews’ book titled The Origin of Feces: What Excrement Tells Us about Evolution, Ecology, and a Sustainable Society.
Essay database example: Secrets of the C.I.A.: America’s Premier Chef’s School
Sometimes, the best essay title is simply a provocative statement that makes the reader feel just a tiny bit defensive or that speaks to an opinion the reader also holds. This titling strategy works especially well for argumentative and persuasive essays, in which you simply state your argument in the title. Pamela Druckerman’s Why French Parents Are Superioris a good example of such a title.
However, other types of non-argumentative yet controversial statements can also work. Consider Bertrand Russell’s Why I Am Not a Christian, a title that would have been particularly controversial in 1927, when it was originally published, or Mathew Ingram’s Is the Internet Making Us Smarter or Dumber? Yes.
Essay database example: Why Donald Trump Will Never Be President of the United States
Bonus tip: Study great titles
If you really want to improve your title-writing game, figure out what makes you want to read an essay or article. Scroll through an online magazine that tickles your fancy—The New Yorker, the Opinion section of The Wall Street Journal, Rookie, and Rolling Stone all publish great essays—and figure out what makes you want to click on a title.
This I Believe is another great source of inspiration, especially for titling personal essays. Check out the titles of the most viewed essays, and consider which ones you want to read and why.
Ultimately, writing good essay titles takes time and practice. In fact, some bloggers spend halfthe time it takes to create a piece of writing working on the title.
While this is definitely overkill for a school assignment—after all, you’re not necessarily competing for attention among thousands of other writers—it gives you an idea of just how important the title is.
But most importantly, you have the strategies you need to give your essay the name it deserves. And if you’re not sure if your title fits your paper or really reels the reader in, ask a Kibin editor for an honest opinion—we’re always happy to help!
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