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Perseverance - With A Free Essay Review
Throughout life a person experiences many obstacles, challenges, and hardships; sometime we face them alone, afraid, and at times confused. I admire Jinelle Sierga for her strength, courage and especially her perseverance. She has worked harder than anyone I know to become a world class athlete. Her life is a role model for all the young women out there today. She passes her knowledge onto all of our girls on the Arrowhead hockey team. Jinelle siergas is an extreme example of perseverance to make it to the top.
Coach Jinelle has persevered over many obstacles to become the athlete and woman she is today. It started in High school when she wanted to play on the boys hockey team. She was the only girl that made the team. She had to work very hard to prove that she belonged on the team and that she had the skills to actually make a difference on the ice. After High School she was awarded a scholarship to University of Wisconsin- Madison. Jinelle had the honor to play for the Badgers Womens Hockey Team. Again, she had to work hard and prove her worth to get on the ice. She was fortunate enough that the Badgers won two division 1 National titles. She even set scoring records that stand to this day.
At the end of her college career she broke her arm. This was about the time that Team USA was starting try outs for the Olympics. She never thought she could make Team USA with a broken arm. With much convincing from her family, she decided to train. She had 3 other limbs that could still work. She would go bike and do any form of exercise to get in shape. She went on to get married to her high school sweet heart and 3 days after the ceremony she left for the Team USA tryouts. There she spent 4 months training for tyouts. She ended up making the team and went on to help the United States win a sliver medal at the Vancouver Canada Olymics. All in all I admire her for the hard work and never giving up her deams of playing hockey. She is someone many girls can look to for inspiration. I am lucky enough to have her as my coach at Arrowhead. I admit Jinelle Sierga for her strength, courage and especially perserverence.
The essay recounts a few factual details of its subject's life, and tacks on a fairly slight argument about perseverance as the particular trait of that subject that you find admirable. You seem to be responding to a prompt, then, that asks you discuss someone you admire and to explain why. The problem with the essay is that the story of Coach Jinelle's life and the explanation of why you admire her are not integrated. If someone asked you to prepare dinner and you provided a sandwich, you would understand, I take it, the ensuing disappointment. Well, this essay is a sandwich.
Slice 1: I admire Coach Jinelle for her perseverance
The Meat: Stuff that happened in Coach Jinelle's life.
Slice 2: I admire Coach Jinelle for her perseverance
An essay should be more like a stew. Now this analogy is already sublimely ridiculous so Ill put a stop to it now. Heres some straight talk: The story and the argument are two separate parts of your essay; those two parts need to be integrated; the way to do that is to give your essay a real argumentative purpose. For example, write a thesis. For example:
Jinelle Zaugg-Siergiej (I'm going with the Wikipedia version of your hero's name) is an admirable role-model because A, B, C - where A, B, C, are reasons, C perhaps being "perseverance."
The paragraphs should be focused on justifying those reasons explicitly, rather than recording a summary of Siergiej's career and asking the reader to accept that "perseverance" is the right word with which to name its significance. To do this, you need to think about the relationship between the facts that you want to present and the characteristics you think that they display. You mention, for instance, that Siergiej played for the boy's team in a paragraph that ostensibly (to judge by its topic sentence) is intended to be about perseverance. But what you actually claim about Siergiej in this period of her life is that she "had to work very hard" to prove herself. Now in the next paragraph, you mention the broken arm incident. Note that you don't have a transition to this paragraph. Since your revised essay is going to be driven by your argument, write a transition based on that argument. For a corny example of such a transition, consider this:
Up until this point in her life, Siergiej's life demonstrated how much could be achieved with hard work, but sometimes hard work alone is not enough. At the end of her college career, before the Olympic trials, she broke her arm. It was going to take extraordinary courage and perseverance for Siergiej to achieve her Olympic dream. Why do I feel like I'm writing for Sixty Minutes? Someone punch me in the face.
Okay, it's ugly, but it's a transition, and it focuses your reader's attention on the argumentative part of your essay.
The only other question I have about your essay is this: Why are you not telling us about your experience with Coach Jinelle? What is she like as a coach? Does she inspire you, push you, frustrate the living hell out of you? We all want to know.
Submitted by: 2009bball
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